Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Leaving the zone

I had a terrible thought today.

I don't know where my comfort zone is.

I left it a few months back. One step at a time I ventured further and further away from the fortress I had built to protect myself from the unknown and the uncontrollable. But always in the back of my mind was the security of "I can always go back if this gets too much."

Well no, you can't Jess. You're so far from the shore to even know which direction it is in.

It's not so bad being outside your comfort zone is it?
Every time I have ever learned anything substantial, allowed myself to adapt and grow, or experienced something magical, it's never been when I've been comfortable.

How can you develop a skill or even discover a new passion if you're not letting go of certainty, and allowing yourself to step into the shoes of a curious child?

I dont know about you, but whenever I accomplish something I never imagined I could, I am reminded why I must continue to live a life driven by faith and adventure.

I got accepted into the University of California a few months ago. I was so stoked I turned it down and then bought a $20 Berkeley hoodie to commemorate the moment haha. It's not that I didn't want to go, it was an amazing opportunity which I worked very hard to be eligible for, but it didn't feel right. Even though traveling across the globe to study at one of the world's best universities would have placed me a bit out of my comfort zone, I discovered a hidden agenda within myself that I wasn't so proud about.

I was running away.

There were thing in my life, and parts of myself I needed to address before I could actually make the most of such an adventure.

I can depend on being busy to avoid having to feel or think about things that make me uncomfortable. Like how I have no idea where my life is heading, and theres only so much control a person can have over such details.
I sometimes isolate myself from people to keep myself safe. If I don't care what you think then what you think can't hurt me.
And I have impossibly high standards of myself that I could never meet. Trust me, I've tried.

So instead of dragging this baggage to America, I decided to sort it out while in the company of a few good souls I trust, and my affectionate cat. And guess what? My life is actually amazing.

I have met literally hundreds of interesting people since the start of the year. I have taken the risk of being vulnerable with people, even when it didn't work out. I have uncluttered and slowed down my life so that I can actually relax and enjoy each day before it disappears. And I have eased off on my perfectionism and control.. not getting straight A's no longer sends me into a blind panic. I also splashed out and bought myself a much needed car, and a not so needed new phone, hair straightener, clothes, books.. Okay maybe I went a tad overboard.

The point is, I'm living. Not running or hiding. I'm making mistakes, being emotional, running towards things that scare me..

And I love it.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" -Neale Donald Walsch

No comments:

Post a Comment