Leaving the zone

I had a terrible thought today.

I don't know where my comfort zone is.

I left it a few months back. One step at a time I ventured further and further away from the fortress I had built to protect myself from the unknown and the uncontrollable. But always in the back of my mind was the security of "I can always go back if this gets too much."

Well no, you can't Jess. You're so far from the shore to even know which direction it is in.

It's not so bad being outside your comfort zone is it?
Every time I have ever learned anything substantial, allowed myself to adapt and grow, or experienced something magical, it's never been when I've been comfortable.

How can you develop a skill or even discover a new passion if you're not letting go of certainty, and allowing yourself to step into the shoes of a curious child?

I dont know about you, but whenever I accomplish something I never imagined I could, I am reminded why I must continue to live a life driven by faith and adventure.

I got accepted into the University of California a few months ago. I was so stoked I turned it down and then bought a $20 Berkeley hoodie to commemorate the moment haha. It's not that I didn't want to go, it was an amazing opportunity which I worked very hard to be eligible for, but it didn't feel right. Even though traveling across the globe to study at one of the world's best universities would have placed me a bit out of my comfort zone, I discovered a hidden agenda within myself that I wasn't so proud about.

I was running away.

There were thing in my life, and parts of myself I needed to address before I could actually make the most of such an adventure.

I can depend on being busy to avoid having to feel or think about things that make me uncomfortable. Like how I have no idea where my life is heading, and theres only so much control a person can have over such details.
I sometimes isolate myself from people to keep myself safe. If I don't care what you think then what you think can't hurt me.
And I have impossibly high standards of myself that I could never meet. Trust me, I've tried.

So instead of dragging this baggage to America, I decided to sort it out while in the company of a few good souls I trust, and my affectionate cat. And guess what? My life is actually amazing.

I have met literally hundreds of interesting people since the start of the year. I have taken the risk of being vulnerable with people, even when it didn't work out. I have uncluttered and slowed down my life so that I can actually relax and enjoy each day before it disappears. And I have eased off on my perfectionism and control.. not getting straight A's no longer sends me into a blind panic. I also splashed out and bought myself a much needed car, and a not so needed new phone, hair straightener, clothes, books.. Okay maybe I went a tad overboard.

The point is, I'm living. Not running or hiding. I'm making mistakes, being emotional, running towards things that scare me..

And I love it.

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" -Neale Donald Walsch

Find Your Voice

Have you found your voice?

If someone said that to you on the street, in a job interview, or posted it on your Facebook profile, what would you think? How would you interpret that?
Maybe you would hear "Who are you? What do you believe? What is your story? Is your perspective unique? What are you here on Earth to say?"
Well that's what I hear.
For the last few months I keep hearing and seeing the phrase "Find your voice". It is hidden in about 5 of my favourite songs, has appeared in multiple books I have read, it was the title of an email in my inbox.. even in a movie I watched! Okay God, I am receiving the message. Loud and clear. You can stop now.

I always wanted to be singer. I remember being three and dreaming of singing on Top of the Pops in a glittery costume, much like one of Katy Perry's wearable art pieces. There is something magical about having a platform to tell a story in a beautiful, entertaining and vulnerable way.
But the problem was, I couldn't sing.
That's kind of an important detail when the reason you believe your alive is to bear your heart in song. So after a while I gave up. Depressing right? I stopped writing songs and allowing myself to let loose to a Kelly Clarkson song in front of the mirror. It was too heart-wrenching doing something I loved when I knew my dreams were too ridiculous. Did God forget to give me a voice when He gave me the passion? Is it a test?

Because of my fixation on singing I never really pursued any other creative avenues. I was actually quite good at acting, and had great rhythm when it came to dance, but I had lost confidence in myself. I looked at those people who really knew what they wanted, what they excelled at, who they were. And it hurt.. that was meant to be me. I had no idea until recently that most successful artists weren't always as talented as they are now, that they actually worked really hard to cultivate and develop their gift. I was so focused on everyone else's brilliance and my own perceived shortcomings that I robbed myself of any form of much needed self-expression.

But I am ready to express myself.

Every time I write I feel like I'm becoming myself.

The feeling is almost too colourful for words. Writing makes me see something in myself I really love. Something I never knew was in me. Putting words to the indescribable is such an exhilarating, intimidating challenge that I am 100% committed to tackling head on.

I have written a blog post here and there over the past few years, and for some reason I get emails from random strangers telling me how my words spoke to them on a personal level and how I should keep writing. But I stop. Why? Self sabotage? Perfectionism? Fear of success? All of the above.

Maybe I want to find my voice before I share it. But I think it's supposed to be the other way round.. maybe you've got to step out blindly into the unknown abyss of creativity and stumble around a bit before you can find your footing.

Brené Brown puts it so perfectly "When we spend our lives waiting until we're perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make."

To find my voice amongst the noise. That's my new goal.

Bring it on blank page.

Who am I?

What does it mean to be original ?

Unique, one of a kind, unparalleled, incomparable, unequaled, different, special, distinctive, rare, unusual, atypical, uncustomary, weird, off-beat.

I want to be unique so badly sometimes, that I almost end up copying other people ! Ironic indeed.

I think if you start focusing on being different to everyone else, your focus has already shifted from being true to yourself, to what everyone else is doing. Therefore, anything you produce in that place is in direct reaction to someone else's behavior. So in attempting to be genuine and different, your identity is being dictated and moulded by the world you're immersing yourself in.

I dont know, I have this crazy notion that every human being is created for a unique and significant purpose. And with that purpose comes an individualized personality, set of giftings, and relentless passions.

I am well aware that the whole world does not share this belief, yet there is a question on the wind that only seems to be getting louder and louder. Everywhere I turn it grabs me, and resonates with my very being. I cannot ignore it because my heart is also looking for the answer.

Who am I ?

If we aren't meant to find ourselves, but create a person that we think would be appealing, acceptable, and interesting to the world.. all all we have to work with is what has already been created.. how can I avoid being anything but a copy of everyone around me ? Chances are they are an unsuccessful copy of someone else as well. So that would make me a copy of a copy..?

No wonder us humans feel so lost.

If humans were born as blank slates we would all be perfectly happy and fulfilled being like everyone else. We would be quick to agree because we would see the world from the same exact lens. There would be no outstanding individuals. No geniuses, no musical wonders, no entrepreneurs.. no world changers.

I dont know about you, but I want to be a world changer.

I want to be something new. Novel. Never been seen before.

I think I'm going to follow my heart.. and get to know the one who has the answer.

New Year, Less Noise

Good morning new year !!
I can't believe it's half way through February already !

I'm currently not eating chocolate. WAAAAAAA it SUCKS. I love chocolate. But i must detox, the dependency was getting a tad crazy. So I'm going 6 weeks without chocolate.
It's currently the beginning of week 2... But I am positive I can achieve this goal !

This is not a weight thing, it's an emotional health thing.

I have made chocolate the default setting for when I feel uncomfortable, anxious, sad, overtired, stressed, or out of control. Going cold turkey is forcing me to deal with those emotions in a healthier way.

By letting myself feel them. By resting and letting God come.

I have realized lately that I am pretty skilled at keeping my senses constantly stimulated. You will not often find me not doing something that requires full attention of my eyes and ears, and as i have discussed, my taste buds. And come to think of it, my sense of touch, as i have this frustrating, disgusting habit of chewing at my fingers lol.

How can I hear God talking to me if I'm always listening to something else ? How can I say I'm available to Him when I'm always occupied with something else ?

It's hard doing nothing and waiting on God when I'm feeling uncomfortable. So hard. It feels a bit like losing control. And I guess it is.. but as long as God is the one gaining the control, I will continue to let go of the sides of the box I have put myself in.

Here's to a year of living outside the box.

Here's to a healthy soul.

:)

My calculator says 10

Happy Wednesday !!

I have had one of those days where lots of little good things have surprised me and come together in such a beautiful way.

i was planning to just get some study done, and hadn't thought much past that.. and i ended up seeing 4 friends, my cousin, and my boyfriend ! Half of them i bumped into out of the blue ! so nice :)

i had a day off from the gym today, but it was totally well deserved because...

I  RAN 10kms yesterday !!!

(Well "ran" in a cross trainer-y way) but YAY !! and in 48mins :)

I am so incredibly happy and proud, i never ever thought that i would be able to do that !!!!

I actually can't wait to try again tomorrow.

I recently have bought a new album for my workouts:  Love Demolition by Zowie.
it is so much fun !

This is her new single "My Calculator"

Zowie is an up and coming New Zealand artist. Her music kind of reminds me of Kesha, the Ting Tings, & the Veronicas.. but more sophisticated, quirky & futuristic.

So today i totally watched the season 3 premier of Pretty Little Liars !!!

It was pretty amazing, and like usual, answered maybe one question & created so many more.. Excited much !

I'm wondering if i should go into detail about the plot.. or if that'd just ruin it for someone.. id rather help create a PLL fan than spoil a rather amazing show.

Watch it people !!!!

To be fit

So as i said in my last post, I'm learning this whole "balance" thing. One aspect that I'm learning to incorporate into my life is regular exercise.

I've honestly always wanted to be fit, for as long as i can remember, but i never managed to achieve it.

It took me all of my schooling years to finally find a sport that i enjoy- Badminton. And then my school screwed up & forgot to put my team in the game pool so we had no opponents.

Fail.

Id really love to take up badminton again, but since its too far into the year, ill have to wait till next year.

But its not just that.. its a confidence thing.

You have to actually believe your dreams are attainable in order to chase after them, right ?

Whenever I joined a gym in the past i gave it 150%  ...for 2 weeks. And then i gave up.

I tired myself out, and didn't see results straight away, so i gave up.

But not this time.

Also, theres the whole "female body image issues" thing.

I've always felt insecure about my body and my weight, even when I was healthy & slim ! (Hindsight is a gem.)

So in a way, wanting to lose weight & have a toned, slim, sexy body is an encouragement to work out.

But to me, its also a hinderance.

I have the little voice in my head that tells me how many kgs i need to lose to be "happy".

But i also have a little voice that is mad at society, skinny girls, the media, and is convinced that boycotting the whole endeavor is the only way not be to controlled. And being free from the society's control will lead me to said "happiness".

But the thing is.. rebellion isn't being in control.

Its a reaction to a situation, just like conformity, but the opposite.

Independent choice is not determined by any situation or pressure, but by and intrinsic desire from within.

So i have given it deep thought and come to a conclusion.

My desire to be fit is based on 5 main reasons:

1. I want a balanced life

2. I want to have a healthy body

3. I want to have more energy

4. I want to prove to myself how strong & capable i am

5. I want a hot, slim body

I've been working out consistently for about a month now. I'm so proud !

And i haven't overdone it either, I've made it to the gym about 3 times a week, easing myself into it.

And i've lost 3kgs. (6.5 lbs)

Winning.

I would LOVE to work out for an hour everyday, and i hope to build up to this over time.

This week i plan to go 4 times: Mon, Tues, Thurs & Sat.

Monday = Tick ! :)

Balance

Deciding on what to share, what theme to have for my blog.. screw it I'm just gonna jump right in.

What has 2012 been about so far ? hmm


Balance.


To be honest I've always been an all or nothing person.

When i make a decision i act on it asap. Or else.. something bad will happen. I dunno what, but i can't be doing something i don't want to do, can i ?

If i quit a job, i wanna leave that day. Why work somewhere your heart no longer is ?
If i wanna lose weight, ill cut out half my daily intake of food. Why not ? its efficient.


Well that isn't really me anymore.


People, study, health, having fun, looking good are all really important, so instead of going off in one direction I'm trying my best to do a bit of everything.

Currently I'm managing to balance a double major science degree (Psych & Bio), a part-time job, going to the gym, eating healthy, spending time with family, hanging out with friends, my wonderful boyfriend, and time to myself..  Phew thats a list !

I'm not doing perfectly, but I'm learning and thats whats important.